SICK COLUMN FROM THE SUN

This recently appeared in 'the Sun' newspaper (English version of course). Shocking stuff.

I have some good news and bad news about the English-hating Scots

Opinion

KELVIN MACKENZIE

I HAVE some good news and bad news about the English-hating Scots. The good news is that they are dying sooner than the rest of us. The Office of National Statistics reveals that Glaswegians especially are going early.

The Government office says that thanks to a lifelong diet of misery,cynicism, fried Mars bars and tins of syrupy beer, Glaswegians areturning in their sporrans at 70 years old, compared to the UK average of 76.

Now the bad news. Five years ago Allan Robinson, 44, moved from Leeds to the ugly suburb of Coatbridge in Lanarkshire. (Last year, Coatbridge had more 999 calls than the rest of Scotland. Nice people.)

He put a single St George's Cross in his window to support England. The effect; thugs smashed three windows. He went down to the shops in his England kit with his girlfriend and the locals hurled abuse at them.

He was so frightened, he didn't leave his home all weekend and is now thinking of moving. Only thinking? The faster we accept that Scotland and England are two nations divided by a common language, the better.

My solution is simple. Build Hadrian's Wall another hundred foot higher and start air lifting in Red Cross parcels of...Mars bars.